Lost

I sometimes don’t know what it is that I’m interested in

I might start with something and then lose my way – it might be a mistake to look at it like that – it’s not as if, when I begin, I actually know where I am going anyway.

I have a feeling – an idea that there is something – a direction a place, an unformed thing floating in the air waiting for enough gravity to form a critical mass, and that once that happens, something begins to be – a voice only just audible on the edge of my hearing can begin to be listened to and tuned and coaxed into more solid form.

I think I can be faced with questions like – how will I recognise it if I’ve never seen it before?

How do I know it’s interesting? Is this enough or do I need to make more of everything?

How simple can something be? How weird can something be?

Fear is a big part of it. Being lost is not valued. We mustn’t be lost – we must know where we are and where we’re going at all times. Which is odd because we live in such a very weird world – one in which we really don’t know where we’re going and we’re all lost in so many ways – living somehow suspended in a land of unknowing – we don’t know what’s happening to the world, what will happen next, we don’t know what controls us and what we have control over.

So being lost and uncertain is maybe the most ordinary of conditions – being lost and trying to look like we actually know what’s happening.

Moving – listening to all the instructions I can notice for moving, seems like a way to navigate the sensation of being lost because it exists in the present, so I am not lost, I am simply here observing a set of conditions, and proceeding from moment to moment.

But when we make something, this changes. We have a place that needs to be arrived at, a something we’re trying to make a something that needs to be finished – that needs to exist as the final product.I guess that in some way, everything we do is the finished product – every action completed as it’s made – life appearing from moment to moment. We can’t retract our actions – just make sense of them in each next action.Dancing is intuitive for me – I am reading all the things I can read in my body and the environment to give me instructions – improvisation is an act of expression of my experience of living – of the past and the present  finding expression in the moment – it is an experience of profound clarity and unknowing, of intense lucidity and blindness.

I don’t know where I’m going, so I just have to rely on noticing where I am now, and of allowing each moment to lead me into the next.

Both lost and found.

I just have to be and go from here.